How to Talk to Yourself When You Make a Mistake

I was working on an email campaign for a new, large client and after proofreading the campaign, reviewing the email distribution list, and doing one last check of everything, I hit “send.” As soon as I hit “send” realized I made a mistake. I sent the wrong email to the wrong group of people. This was a client trying our services for the first time and I just screwed up their first campaign. I quickly did some behind the scenes work to retract the emails, credit their account, and send out corrected messaging to the people that opened and read the email. The internal dialogue during this debacle was not pretty.

Erin how could you??? You are not detailed oriented! How did you miss this was the wrong email to go to this list of people? When you tell the client they’re going to be done with you. You’ll lose the client.

It was relentless catastrophizing going on in my head. I was able to correct the mistake, tell the client what happened, and the client understood. A few months later the client gave us a glowing review of our services and renewed their account with us.

Something similar happened with a client where they sent out an email campaign to the wrong email distribution list. The client called me in a panic. I can’t believe I did this! How could I do something so stupid? I feel so dumb! Who does that? Can you help me??  I told the client it was ok, they weren’t the first person to do that, other clients had made the same mistake and I would help her retract the emails.The dialogue with my client was so much more empathetic and understanding than the internal beat down I gave myself when I made the same mistake.

Kristin Neff a researcher on self-compassion has done studies demonstrating the value of showing ourselves self-compassion. She states in her interview Dr. Peter Attia that we are capable of being empathetic and compassionate with others, but we typically don’t show ourselves the same kind of compassion. Compassion is within us we just need to direct it towards ourselves.

I made a journal entry writing a note to myself for the next time I failed at something or made a mistake. I modeled it after what I would say to a friend if they shared with me one of their mistakes.

You went for it and did it and didn’t nail it. It’s okay. What did you learn from it? The mistakes you made anyone could have made. The next time you attempt this thing, you’ll do so much better because you can learn from the mistakes you made this time.

The practice of self-compassion is still new to me and it’s definitely not the default dialogue that goes through my head when I mess up. The exercise of writing something kind, encouraging, and forgiving gives me something to go back to when I feel like the inner critic is taking over.

Additional resources on cultivating self-compassion
Exercises for Self-Compassion
Gretchen Rubin explains the importance of developing empathy for yourself when you’re trying to achieve your goals or develop new habits.
How to Dump Your Inner Drill Sargent-Kristin Neff’s interview on the Happiness Lab