Chronicles of the Inner Body Critic

I’ve lived with a mild case of body dysmorphia for a good portion of my life. I finally made the decision a few years ago to take out the triggers that made me feel bad about my body which were social media and mirrors. When I look at my reflection I become highly critical of my body, especially when I’m working out. I lift up my shirt and study the pouch under my belly button. I grab the meaty sides of my stomach. I evaluate the muscle tone in my arms. I just need to work out harder, lift heavier and eat better.  When we moved into our new home and built a garage gym I decided not to put mirrors in the gym area so I wouldn’t succumb to the body judgment sessions.

I stopped following Instagram accounts of fitness people because looking at their muscle-clad bodies made me feel worse about my body.  I felt not good enough, not lean enough, not fit enough. A constant feeling of lacking. I couldn’t seem to look at these people without comparing myself to them.

The mirror and Instagram cleanse helped me dial down my internal body critic.

While I’ve removed these from my home environment the reality is there are still times when I’m faced with mirrors and looking at super fit bodies. Mirrors are plastered all over the walls in hotel gyms and yoga classes which is prime environment for my inner body critic to start chattering away suck in your stomach, your arms aren’t as toned as her arms, your thighs look fat.

On a vacation in Mexico, I was faced with a beach full of bodies running around with string bikinis and I could feel the volume being turned up on my inner body critic. The perfect looking bodies made me envious.  My body felt like it was not worthy of being in a swimsuit and on the beach.

Now when I’m faced with these things I feel more sensitive to them and my inner body critic goes into high gear.  I’ve found some ways to manage it but I haven’t figured out a way to extract the inner critic.

Avoiding my triggers hasn’t addressed the deeper issue of accepting my body. It’s time for a different approach. I’ve decided to show my body. I work out in a sports bra and shorts. I bought a bikini. There will be women with six-pack abs and women wearing string bikinis and my goal is to see them and acknowledge my inner body critic thoughts, but to not believing them.

The body critic part of me believes that if I could get myself “into shape”  then I can accept my body. There is no defined finish line for this vague goal. I won’t know when I’ve achieved it. If I was to get to a point where I feel I’m lean “enough” then I will keep an even tighter grip on my exercise and diet regime to stay “in shape.” Increasing my level of control leads to more stress and anxiety.

I worry that if I accept my body for the way it is, I’ll let myself go and I’ll stop trying and I don’t want to lose the shape I’ve gotten myself into so far.  I also know that my health is such a high priority in my life that I can’t imagine not caring about it.

My truth is:

Being active brings me joy

I enjoy eating and preparing nourishing food

I’m grateful and in awe of all that body does to keep me healthy and mobile

I can create performance goals that take the focus off of my appearance and onto what my body can do

The new plan is to show my body and sit with all the criticisms my mind creates. Acknowledge the criticisms but not get caught up in believing the thoughts. I would like to say I’ve figured out a way of permanently removing my inner body critic but it’s still a work in progress.